dating a divorcee

[marmar 0]

i want to share my story and your opinion on this matter.

i met this guy last year in a fitness centre. He worked there as a swimming instructor. and i was the member of the fitness for 6 mths. everynite, i went to the group exercise classes (yoga, dance). He was the one who introduce himself to me first since i never use the swimming pool and just sat besides the pool watching people swimming (i cant swim). Over time, we became close and always have dinner together.

One day, he told me he loves me and want me to be his special one. Since i have the same feeling i agreed. I moved to his apartment then. Back then, he had a roomate whom then moved out. Then it just the two of us. The first time i went to his apartment, i told myself , well this is a very fine apartment. ( cuz i think guy's apartment is not that clean, less furniture etc.)

Since, i went to the fitness centre a lot, the staff there knows me well, even the Indonesion cleaner. There's this a week where my bf went to his hometown. So im all alone in the apartment and went all alone to the fitness centre. One nite, the Indonesian worker (i called her Kak Su) told me that my bf has already married and has 2 children. The reason he went back to his hometown is because his wife is pregnant. I was shocked but i took that as a joke. At home, I called him and ask about that. He told me Kak Su was just joking, which i dont think so. I asked him if he is already married, he said he's married to me. I asked him if he has children (anak), he told me he has pets (anak kucing, anak kambing etc) in a joking way. Then he assured me that if he was married why would he live in a bachelor's house, it is better to live wif her wife. Well for me, when the guy is not answering a very direct question (yes or no), he is actually lying to me. Then again i decide to not make it as a big scene.

But, i didnt trust him much. In his apartment, there's this one room which he never enter and never mention. So I decided to check things out. And guess what, I found woman's clothing in boxes, baby stroller, baby's bed, toys, books belong to a woman, books about childhood, bags containing the same stuff. I found his old resume. In his resume, his maritul status is married and has a child. That resume was written 4 years ago.

For months, i keep silent about this matter. I didnt ask him about the room and the stuff i found. Then, i continued my study. I went to his apartment every weekend. Since i stayed in campus, we contacted each other thru phones. and he keep calling every minute like he doesnt trust me here not wif him. He always accused me of having a third person if i dont pick up the phone when he called or didnt reply when he SMSed. I was like OMG give me a break. I didnt do anything wrong and he said all those things to me. I still keep my findings to myself. I asked him why he did that to me. He told me his ex left him for another guy. His ex never returned his calls and SMS. So he dont want me doing the same to him. I slow talk him and said trust is important. Things going well then.

I spent my 2 months holiday in his apartment last December. We did stuff together, breakfast, reading newspaper. sometimes i even asked him if there is anything he want to tell me (i want him to confess bout his wife or maybe ex wife).He said, nothing. Oh i forgot to mention, he has already quit his job. I was the one paying for everything. (he's waiting to build a business wif a fren and i dunno when are they gonna start that).Like any other couple, we do have arguement, yelling at each other. Usually i just keep quiet about my findings until one day, when things got very intense and he mention about honesty. That's when my patience's at its limit. I took his ex's credit card in his wallet, and asked him whose card is this and why is it there. He told it was his ex-GF. I asked him 3 times then he told me it was his ex-WIFE and it's there cuz he need to settle his wife's debts. I was like 'cant she pay for that herself??' So for months he lied to me bout this things. and if i didnt confront him, these lies might continue for years.

He then confessed that he was married but has divorced. He didnt tell me because he didnt want me to leave him. Should i trust him?? I asked is he really unmarried now. He said yes.

There's this one time, he received a call. He took the call outside, at the verandah. Maybe dont want me to listen. Since we have different language, i actually dont understand wat he was talking about.I asked who it was, he said it was from his sister. I checked his phone when he took his shower. It was from his ex, which he saved her name as Mama Adam (Adam is his son's name).

Should i trust him? We didnt discuss this matter much. I just dunno wat to ask him.. I read an article about dating a divorcee. But.. still not convince enough.

any divorcee here? I need your point of view.

[Joukowski 0]

Sorry to hear, it's very hard to trust a guy who lied like this already. Although there nothing wrong about going out with a guy who's divorced there's no reason for him to lie and live the way he did. I would be very cautious about continuing wiht this relationship because the track record is not good. how can you trust him with anything? Think about the family you going to have with him, is it the type of family that'll make you or your children proud to be apart of? 

what about your parent's input? if you're brought up in what you'd consider a good family, then you kinda owe you parents a proper marriage if you want to go out & live together with a man. I get the feeling you'll have a very hard life continuing the way things are going. A step change is necessary. Remember, you're giving him the best years of your life now. Truth is, ok when ever a relationship doesn't work out, it's the girl that loses out most. Somtimes girls don't recover because by the time girls sort their lives out to get going again, the sad fact is tha

 they're older and chances of finding the happiness you found in your 20's are just not very high.

which is why i believe if the guy loves you, he will cherish your life, he will treat you with respect and marry you because that's the right thing to do. Because you are indeed giving him your life. You will never get this moment back, while the guys can easily leave to go out with another woman to do this again, as he's demonstrated. Girls, you face a lot more barriers.

and you're right to question his business idea? how can he run a successful business with that sort of attitude? where are his targets? his story is wating for a friend to start business together? wll wait how long? I also think you deserve better for yourself.

Hope you sort this out soon.

[tarrytng 0]

Im not divorcee but my bf is...

My bf was introduced by my fren BUT I knew he is a divorcee before dating with him.

If your bf is serious and really care about yours relation, he will tell you before you start dating with him. And also he won't lie you when you asking him about his wife ( or ex wife ) and children.

You know his family ? Where is his hometown ? What is the background of his family ? His family rich ? If not, where he get money to have own business ? If yes, why he worked as a swimming instructor ?? And also what is your background ?? If rich, then he might want you to sponsor him to have own business, If so so, then at least you pay for the life expenses and entertainment for this 2 months, and he do NOTHING !! If nop, I think you won't able to go fitness and also you won't know him ....

Why his ex wife keep calling ? Have know asked him to explain why they divorced ? You must make everything clear then to think whether to comtinue the relation onot.. Good Luck..

[marmar 0]

eventhough i never met his family yet, but they know my relationship wif him, as he always call his mom and sisters whenever im besides him. Sometimes they call me if they couldnt call him. He is not from a rich family, but he has this thing with his group of frens(concerning money). I know about that.

As for my family, im just so so. My family seldom give me money. I have my own money from my training as an engineer. I never tell my family bout any of my bf before cuz waste of time if i juz wif them for less than a year. Since me and him havent reach that period yet so i just keep silent from my family.

He always say sorry to me about his lies. i always call him a liar after the confrontation. He's a crybaby, although he is 4 years older than me. And i have this soft heart for crybaby (we seldom see a guy cries rite?)

I give him punishment though. Dont make out wif me till we moved from his house, as his ex thingy are still there. He promised me that. and will send back his ex stuff back to her. The thing is we never sit down and talk deeply bout this. I dunno how to do that.

[Joukowski 0]

ah, an engineer! good stuff, you're well trained & capable to step this thru logically and work this out yourself. is his divorce status sorted out to a point where you and him can live together with it? you don't want a reoccuring theme for the rest of you lives. If it's finalised and done then move on and don't bring it up again - we don't live in the past so nothing constructive will come from arguing over stuff thats happened over and over again.

if he keeps saying sorry to get away with stuff, you 'll need to decide if that's a healthy response.

ok, also guys don't wanna sit down and talk about stuff that'll upset them. firstly we're not good at communication, secondly, we can't see any benefit of what that will serve. If you need to talk about it, you gotta make him see how thats important for you. whats your reason for talking about it? do you want talk to resolve the issue and come up with a list of action items or do you just wanna listen to him talk?

remember you're a professional, the engineering course is probably the most difficult one out there and the sole purpose is to deal with unspected problems. The skills you aquire as an engineer will work to solve problems anywhere. Good luck.

[tarrytng 0]

Besides the family, he promised you to send back all his ex thingy to her, has he done ?? Nop, is yes, you won't like uphappy...

Chinese New Year is coming, use a big plastic bag to clean up his house and pack all his ex thingy in a box or plastic bag and throw !! If he stop you to throw the thingy then you scold him when to return, he has no more reason to wait bcoz you have already packed all the thingy. Of course he still keep the thingy so that you will know he won't return !! What it's mean ?? Mayb his ex is coming when you are not with him, or mayb he still waiting his ex to come back so that he keep the thingy.....If he doesn't stop you then you just throw as far as you can and this situation is settled.

Do it...

[Quen^nie 0]

I am not a divorcee, neither do i ever had a relationship with one. To me, your are on the bright side, earning money, being honest and so on. What did he give to you? Unforeseen careers ahead, liar and full of mystery. A guy that trusted a woman will open up to her and tell her personal matters, esp when it'll affect a relationship. Ask him, talk to him, how far he wanted the relationship to be, bf n gf, or till marriage, from there you'll know how serious he is. Just test him on certain things. You seems like a bright girl, im sure you know what to do. Hints, test, and some talking will do.

[marmar 0]

Thanks for the feedback..

Joukowski, if i were to think with an engineer's mind, i think i already dump him. hehe. But love is blind. Eventhough i scold myself of being stupid, but still here i am.

He did mention about marriage. But i dont think im ready for that yet. Not until he is stable and everything is clear. No blur2 matter.

Maybe i should give him a chance (Do you think i should give him a chance?). Yeah, during CNY i will definitely packed the unwanted stuff. My fren told me that it would be easier if he dont have children. Cuz they dont have anything to bond them anymore, if u know wat i mean.

I wonder why actors/actresses who have been married and divorce many times can deal with this so easily.

[Cas 0]

I asked myself if I would date a divorcee and the answer is a big no because I don’t think I’d be able to handle the extra baggage that comes with dating a divorcee. Eg: ex wife and kids. Sounds unfair and bias I know BUT if he no longer has ties with his ex wife and does not come with a kid, then perhaps its considerable. In your case, you’re young, educated and independent; where else he doesn’t sound too ambitious, has lied to you and relies you on financial wise so I don’t think its something you want to put yourself through. In my opinion, love is not blind, we always make it blind in the first few months of courtship. Half way down the road, we wake up and smell the truth, which prompt us to do the things we do.

[Cas 0]

-sorry, double post-

Edited January 29, 2008 by Cas

[Joukowski 0]

hey, of all the stuff we can say to you, its still gonna be your decision. This is going to be a long term commitment from the 2 of you. I don't think being a divorcee should be a problem  as a marriage is hard work, it just don't happen and people do make mistakes & I don't think we deny a friendship just because their marriage don't work. it may not even be their fault, which is all the more reason for a divorcee to go out an

 proove that he's good enuf to have your

affection.

I caution about your conversations with your friends. Saying things like "its easier if he didn't have children" and going into a big discussion about it is damaging & a waste of time, and I hope you didn't say that your bf. How would you think he'll react to that statement? What would you want to achieve by saying that? That is why parents tell us to think before we speak when we were smaller, & your friends have forgoten that lession.

He's already got children &  that's not gonna change. If you wanna commit to him, you might want to get used to the idea that 

you've got instant children now, who are obviously going thru a difficult and distressing time of th

ir own without a family and the support of a father because he's fighting with their mother.

Edited January 29, 2008 by Joukowski

[marmar 0]

Thanks again,

Joukowski, i didnt tell him bout my conversation wif my bestfren. That's just her opinion. Since im a bit confuse at this state, i need as many feedback from frens and you guys and gals. If not, i'l feel bad bout this.

If can, i dun wana any breakup or arguement between me and him. New relationship is just too tiring. From positive side, im comfortable wif him. Maybe i should just focus on that side. Should i ask him to introduce his children to me? Or is it to early..

[Joukowski 0]

Looks like your mind is already made up & you've committed to stick by him no matter what. Also with your strength & determination (after all you've made it thru to be a professional engineer in a pretty unforgiving male dominated profession) you will have a good chance of making this work very well, hope he realises hes a lucky man.

Be nice when talking about his children, tell him you're happy to meet them. Ask him about the kids, how old they are... etc. I'll let him decide when the time is right. You get the idea.

Please be advised that he can't marry you legally until his divorce is finalised. When that's done, you should be able to register your marriage which would make you step mother to his children when they visit. Take it easy and step thru logically as how you've been trained to overcome challenges. Because discussions of his children & family is a sensitive subject, think before you speak - put yourself in his shoes and listen to what you say first before you say it, after a couple of time, it becomes second nature & you'll find that you do it all the time.

Be strong, you may well be the leader in moulding this family into the model you want it to be.