Desperate for help

[Doctor2B 0]

I am 23 and am studying Medicine in Australia and graduating in 2 years. My parents are currently paying for my education. I just got married last year and my hubby and I are both not working yet (Dependent on parents) Ever since we got married, there are a lot of problems between my hubby and my family, and to make matters worse, once when I fought with my hubby, he used violence on me. I have since brought him and myself to counselling and he promised not to do it anymore.

My hubby said I shouldn't tell my parents about my fights because it will complicate matters and they will definately be on my side, but if I don't tell them, I feel like a stupid person who has no voice and control over my own emotions. When my sister discovered my bruises on my body, I told her and my parents everything and now my parents hate my hubby and wants me to leave him.

My hubby is still very young, 22, and has a lot to learn. He is sometimes very kurang ajar but i always tell myself that noone is perfect and I teach him as much as I can to make my mom and dad happy. He hates my parents because he said they always pick on him and we often fight a lot because of family issues.

Should I also add that when I go back to Malaysia, my parents are over protective of me, I cant go out at all, I must always stick next to my mom if not I will get scolding that I am a 'anak derhaka'. I am married but when I go back, I can't stay with my hubby, I have to stay with my parents. Not that i don't like it but I really cannot be my own person at all, always under their scrutiny.

if I take my parents side, my hubby will ask me to go back to my family. If I take my hubby's side, my parents will say that they have raised me up and paid for my education so I cannot betray them. My sister is older but never had a bf, so she doesn't understand what it's like to love someone. I feel like my parents are taking mymarriage as a joke.

I am so so torn and lost between these 2 parties and I find it hard to concentrate on my studies :'(

Who is the victim here?

What should I do?

Please please advice!

[icemanfx 0]

Until both of you found a place of your own, when you are back to Malaysia, you can stay with your husband during weekdays and spend weekend with your parents.

A long term solution for both of you are to work far away from home and only return to visit both of your parents for holiday, one less pressure for you.

Before graduation, if your husband doesn't knows how to compromise, the relationship will remain strain and likely to fail.

Hope your husband won't hit you again else he will always hits you. Edited March 21, 2011 by icemanfx

[Joukowski 0]

Congradulations for getting into medicine, that's a tough course to complete!

It's further made more difficult because of home issues with your husband. Ok so first thing's first:

1. Your husband cannot hit you. Not only that, his job in life is supposed protect you from harm. So you cannot agree to keep quiet if he hits you... you have to tell someone.

This is of course terribly embarrassing for him, that's why he wants you to keep quiet, saying your parents will side you and hate him. So what does he expect your parents to do otherwise? Having your bruises seen and reported by your sister is a terrible way for your parents to learnt you are being abused. Of course they're going to be overly protective of you. What do you expect? You are their daughter.

2. Your Hubby is young - & life with it's complications is currently stressing him out. That's good in a way because stress makes a man grow up. However, maturity is something he needs to work on for himself, and getting real life experience is not always easy nor comfortable.

3. "[color="#5C6375"][size="2"]I take my parents side, my hubby will ask me to go back to my family" [/size][/color]Ok - go back to your family then. Is this man your husband or not? When things get rough he sends you back to your parents for warranty service support?

He needs to improve his life's skills. Believe me, your parents says nothing about it but they know this.

4. Your Parents - Is probably suffering in silence knowing you are being beaten by your husband. Nothing cuts the heart out of mum and dad more than knowing their daughter has left home to live with someone who has demonstrated that he will lash out and hit a girl - his own girl. You are currently overseas: who you are with & where you are staying is not safe. Every time they finish speaking to you they're afraid you will be beaten. Of course when you get home, your parents want you to stay with them.

Ok so in conclusion, your parents want the best for you and you need to graduate in 2 years time because this is costing them a lot of money. Mum and dad regrets they gave you away in marriage to this person in the first place. You have pretty much gotten your way with mum & dad until now, until they learnt that you are not being adequately cared for, nor are you totally safe living with your husband. Your husband may not hit you again. Edited March 23, 2011 by Joukowski

[Doctor2B 0]

Dear Joukowski and Icemanfx,

Thank you so much for your advice, they mean the world to me especially in these times of troubles!

I appreciate your advice and I know it's never right for a husband to hit a wife, but sometimes I myself start a fight, and I start pushing him first, and he twists my arm and I get so angry that he retaliated that I hit him back, and that's how the ball starts rolling. This makes things so complicated- I hit him first, but he hits back, so both are wrong but who is more wrong? Our arguments don't always end up in a fight, it's only in rare occasions, but I just want this hitting to STOP. Normal everyday problems I can tahan, but when there is violence, my brain shuts off and I just go to survival mode and things get ugly

We have both started counselling and he has promised up and down never to hurt me again, and I have realized my mistake and hopefully we will overcome this issue.

The bigger issue is my parents. The problem started even before I went to medical school. My parents are working very hard to put me in medical school, I know that, but at times when they are stressed, they use my education fees as an excuse, and with both their tempers, things always get very horrid at home. Now when i go back, my parents literally trap me in the house and make me follow them everywhere, I don't mind helping them but I need some freedom too, especially now that I am a married woman!! Being financially dependent on them makes things even worse, it's so hard to get money from them, so my husband helps me out a lot in that aspect. My hubby is not workino too, but he helps with my food bills etc and sometimes I don't know, should he pay for my fees? Should he pay for all my expenses? As a hubby he should, but he isn't working and using his parents' money! Whenever my parents talk about finance, they say of course my hubby should pay, then how come suddenly when it comes to love, they become so overprotective, even before all this fighting started?

Even though we both did wrong, my parents still have to accept that I need to work out my relationship with my husband, I have faith that this issues will be solved, I just need their blessing and them to stop poisoning us. I feel so trapped in the middle because I don't know who to support! I'm always betraying somebody and it feels so awful.

Sigh..I don't know how to describe everything but thank you so much for helping me out and supporting me!

xxx

[Joukowski 0]

Dear Doctor2B, good to hear you're taking steps to address the physical hitting. This type of agression doesn't solve anything and clouds judgement.

Alright - your studies fees are a big load on their finances. That would tend to put anyone at a higher level of stress. use this knowledge to reinforce you motivation to get your studies over and done with asap.

About them repeating themselves and saying stuff that isn't helpful when stressed: I think that's something that you need to live with. Being aware that your parents haven't have the benefit of education like you do and probably need to say things a few times so it sinks in for them, while you get the point after being told once.

They do have a valid point, being married technically you should be supported by your own family. However currently its not possible. Don't worry about it, once you get your degree, they'll be delighted beyond words and all this will be forgotten. Agree it cuts you more hearing what they say when stressed.

In the end, I'm thinking you should put what you write in here to your parents - maybe direct them here to have a read. Not during a moment of anger or fustration, but when they're calm and open to constructive discussion. Because you express yourself perfectly on paper, to have their blessing to move out from the protection under their wing in order to face the world & all it's problems yourself under your own terms. Even if they disagree with your methods and solution....

But let me say you have everything you want already - the blessing and ability to evaluate your options and pick a course of action, although it's nice to have a little reminder and assurance now and then. You got their blessing when you got married. You already have your freedom living with your husband when you're away, and when you go home, you have your parents protection.

And it gets better, because no matter what happens next, your mother and father will always be your parents. They will always want the best for you. They will always be over protective when ever you are home. And they will always love you very much.

Kind Regards, J Edited April 14, 2011 by Joukowski

[Rachel Lee 0]

many complicated relationship nowadays, too many conflicts between people