Tough Situation

[Whitelotus 0]

Marriage and life-after-marriage is never easy.

Recently, I found myself in a tough situation.

My parents have two daughters. Being very conservative and old-fashinoed, they have always been very concerned because they do not have a son to carry their surname in the next generation. You know, typical chinese, particularly my mum. Because of this, my mum has many ridiculous suggestions to me and my husband. Before this, she went all out to ensure that my husband and me stay with them after our marriage. Of course, we insisted that we want to move out and stay in our own place and we are glad that it's exactly what we did. That was only one fo the many examples of suggestions and actions which she did in ensuring that somebody carries the surname of my family.

Recently, she came out with even more ridiculous suggestion which is driving me nuts and putting me in a tough situation.

She insisted that my second son must carry two surnames, one which is my husband's surname and the other one my surname. So imagine, my boy to carry surname like this "TAN NG". In future he will be known as "Mr. TAN NG". Which I think is utter rubbish and nonsense.

The thing is this, even if I agree with her. there is no way my husband's family side, particularly my parents-in-law will agree. They too, are very conservative typical chinese family.

I do not even dare to tell my husband this. This will push him into a tough situation and whatever decision he made, he is going to hurt my parents or his parents.

Personally, I would like to tell my mum to be more reasonable. I could not agree with her suggestion on the following reasons :

(1) It's so weird for a person to carry two surnames
(2) My sons, being siblings, will have different surnames. The eldest one carries "Tan" as his surname and the other carries "Tan Ng"
(3) There are other better option to ensure that the surname of the family is carried by the next generation. For example, adopt a child and put "NG" as his surname and raise him up. After all, my parents are always talking about having a son.

I need advice on how to tell my mum a strict "NO" and how to prevent her from bringing this issue up again. So how do i tell her off once and for all?

[veronwps 0]

Well it seems like having no son to carry the name is your parents' problem they should find a way to solve it. Their problem shouldn't cost trouble for your own family. Just my 2 cents. Edited July 23, 2010 by veronwps

[mrs.zafri 0]

This is a big problem. I sympathize with you. I understood by my Chinese friends that the Chinese boy is very well taken care of by his parents. This is because, the son have the right to inherit the property and hold the beneficiary's family name. That I understand. And, I think, because of that, your mother would want to keep your family 's name. However, it will burden your son to carry 2 surname, and be different from his siblings. Pity him.

What you can do is to talk with your husband. When we are married and want to live together, each problem must be discussed together. Whether the problem is bitter or painful to be swallowed, you should discuss with your husband. In addition, you and your husband have a similar problem, right ...? Probably, both of you can get a solution to both problems...think it over okay...

Good luck friend

[aruite 0]

[quote name='Whitelotus' date='22 July 2010 - 03:35 PM' timestamp='1279784128' post='586617']
Marriage and life-after-marriage is never easy.

Recently, I found myself in a tough situation.

My parents have two daughters. Being very conservative and old-fashinoed, they have always been very concerned because they do not have a son to carry their surname in the next generation. You know, typical chinese, particularly my mum. Because of this, my mum has many ridiculous suggestions to me and my husband. Before this, she went all out to ensure that my husband and me stay with them after our marriage. Of course, we insisted that we want to move out and stay in our own place and we are glad that it's exactly what we did. That was only one fo the many examples of suggestions and actions which she did in ensuring that somebody carries the surname of my family.

Recently, she came out with even more ridiculous suggestion which is driving me nuts and putting me in a tough situation.

She insisted that my second son must carry two surnames, one which is my husband's surname and the other one my surname. So imagine, my boy to carry surname like this "TAN NG". In future he will be known as "Mr. TAN NG". Which I think is utter rubbish and nonsense.

The thing is this, even if I agree with her. there is no way my husband's family side, particularly my parents-in-law will agree. They too, are very conservative typical chinese family.

I do not even dare to tell my husband this. This will push him into a tough situation and whatever decision he made, he is going to hurt my parents or his parents.

Personally, I would like to tell my mum to be more reasonable. I could not agree with her suggestion on the following reasons :

(1) It's so weird for a person to carry two surnames
(2) My sons, being siblings, will have different surnames. The eldest one carries "Tan" as his surname and the other carries "Tan Ng"
(3) There are other better option to ensure that the surname of the family is carried by the next generation. For example, adopt a child and put "NG" as his surname and raise him up. After all, my parents are always talking about having a son.

I need advice on how to tell my mum a strict "NO" and how to prevent her from bringing this issue up again. So how do i tell her off once and for all?


[/quote]


hi~ why dont you try to make her understand your situation? Just sit her down and tell her that you are their daughter, but you are also someone's daughter in law, which makes it quite clear that you are now Mrs Tan instead of ms Ng. What matters is that their grandson will continue to have their blood. i can relate to you a story about a fren who refused to have any children because they think children are born into this world to suffer. Both her husband and her sister in law thinks like that and her parents in law have no grandchildren AT ALL. Sometimes it doesnt matter whose name the kids carry, they are your generation.

i know its difficult telling elderly parents a stern NO, but if you're uncomfortable with it, you'll just have to stand firm and save your son from feeling different, and a whole lotta emo teenage angst in the future

[cheryllim_85 0]

Hi Whitelotus,

Sorry to hear about your story. It's really a big trouble for you as you don't want to make your mum said. Can your mum sit down and talk nicely? Tell her that it will be unfair for your husband and his family if you do like that...This is because you are female and its already a destiny you must follow your husband surname. That is why you are now Mrs Tan but not Mrs Tan Ng.

If your mum is so concern about the generation, why when you and your sibling still young that time didn't adopt a son? Not necessary adopt from orphanage home but can adopt your uncle's son (your father side who is always NG surname)? It's really a weirdo for your son if he has 2 surname on his name.

[dylan 0]

It is absolutely unacceptable to let him to carry 2 surname..this is ridiculous and not understanding.

[Rotti-pup 0]

[quote name='Whitelotus' date='22 July 2010 - 03:35 PM' timestamp='1279784128' post='586617']


I need advice on how to tell my mum a strict "NO" and how to prevent her from bringing this issue up again. So how do i tell her off once and for all?


[/quote]

Whitelotus, if I were you, I will just let my mother know that my second son is not going to be called "Tan Ng." If she brings it up again, I will keep silent. If she continues to nag, I will ignore her. If she calls me on the phone and shouts, screams, accuses and condemns, I will listen to her for some time. If something reasonable comes out from her mouth, I will respond to it patiently and objectively. I will reason with her, letting her know that "Tan Ng" is not going to materialise.

Her "mad raving" does not have to negatively affect me, my husband and my two children. Look, Whitelotus; my husband and my 2 sons are my family and I HAVE TO take care of them. That's my responsibility. I will see to it that nobody gets hurt in this "Tan Ng" thing. No one - whoever he or she is - is going to lord himself or herself over people in my family. I don't care who that person is - if you want to lord over somebody and give a hard time, you won't have it if I can prevent you from doing so. For as long as I am here, I'll see to it that my sons and husband don't suffer unnecessarily.

You don't have to lose your cool over this matter, Whitelotus. It can be solved. Be firm but don't forget to be loving towards your mother. Saying "No" and sticking with it does not have to end in disrespect.