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jean1985

is virginity still important in Malaysia?

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Or should I say, is it still common?

I am a 26 year old expat from Taiwan. I have lived and travelled several places before, and I have been working in Malaysia for almost a year. Wonderful place and people :-)

Well sex is not something we talk very openly at the workplace. But I feel out of place in Malaysia sometimes. At least among my female colleagues.

I once overheard 2 Malaysian Chinese male colleagues in my office talking about me in the Bahasa Melayu language. They did not know I understood a little Bahasa. The previous day we were discussing about my boyfriend (now ex-bf) coming to visit me and cohabitating with me. Well the topic I started was about the price of renting a master bedroom in Kuala Lumpur, and I assumed the topic of sharing a bed was not a taboo topic.

Anyway the 2 guys were apparently discussing my virginity, saying since I am Taiwanese, and obviously since I share a room with my partner, therefore I am not.

The reason I am asking is because I have broken up with my Taiwanese ex. (He cheated on me). Recently I met a nice and wonderful Malaysian. But I think he did not want to continue our relationship after finding out I am not a virgin. However he did not mention this openly. :-(

I find this very insulting, but I realize different countries have different cultures. *sigh*

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My personal feeling is that is not common. I thought if you love someone, you should accept the fact or try not to find out totally. Why let that be the obstacle? May be that guy just use this as an excuse.

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whoever decides on whether to be with you because of your virginity is not worth being with in the first place. I do not have a very high opinion of Malaysians myself, and this is one of the most infuriating reasons why.

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Yes, its still very important since virginity is not uncommon but has become very rare. Who doesn't want an unopen present? Do you want a present that is already open?

Yes yes, you are about to argue with me about love and stuff but this is how man look at ladies and its the truth, [u]for some[/u] and not all.

Frankly speaking, woman is man's assests in society's opinion. Woman don't marry man, but man marry the woman.

Everybody want nice car, nice house or condo, nice big bunch of cash in the bank and nice credit card with unlimited amount usage. So why not nice wife? :) I am sure girls also want a nice husband. This "Nice" cannot be found in the dictionary becos it dwell in a true deeper meaning of craving.

You also have to understand that woman is a man's image of himself. He wants to picture himself as having a pure beautiful angel. If he sees a single stain on it then he loses his image or ego or identity. So for some perfectionist, a barbie doll is best. :D

As you all know image or identity in the society is very important. Ladies are part of a man's identity and man is also part of a woman's identity. If one's is missing then you will feel rather incomplete. That is how many see it like that and that is how many is brought up like that. Many of you are finding your own identity in another and so if you loses another then all hell break lose becos you cling too much on that identity which has become an attachment. For some extreme cases, suicide.

So, dear Jean1985, you have to accept the fact that you are not a virgin. You have to stop beating yourself about it and continue to live a way of life that you are comfortable with. Do not be worry about whether you can attract a man.

Live your life right and the right man will come to you.

Its better to attract the right one and not just anyone. :)

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Virginity is important, however we can not judge a person by whether is he/she still a virgin.
This is not a "barbarian society".

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No, it is not a barbarian society...

It is a society fuel by desire. Man although [u]not all[/u], desire a pure woman so that it can become his identity.

Let me rephrase the importance, Virginity is important to Asian society but it is not important as a whole to humanity and life.

Peace be with you. Edited by greekgod

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Thanks for the opinions. :-)

Greekgod, it is not that I can't accept that I am not a virgin. I have not regrets at all. I am not even ashamed of it or keeping it a secret. I do not keep it a secret from my parents. When I started college and moved in with my boyfriend, my parents did not object. But they were mostly concerned that I should avoid unwanted pregnancies and diseases. The same goes with my friends. It is the norm here. It is very natural and healthy that two people who love and care for each other also love each other physically.

I think in this day and age, it is hard to find an adult who is still a virgin. So I wonder if the situation is different in Malaysia? Why do men always assume that I am still a virgin.

I wonder do I have to announce up front that I am not a virgin during my first date? Otherwise we would have to waste time getting to know each other before he gets disappointed that I am no longer a virgin...

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[quote name='greekgod' timestamp='1344563462' post='611715']Everybody want nice car, nice house or condo, nice big bunch of cash in the bank and nice credit card with unlimited amount usage. So why not nice wife? :) I am sure girls also want a nice husband. This "Nice" cannot be found in the dictionary becos it dwell in a true deeper meaning of craving.
[/quote]
I sense misogyny here.

why are you comparing this situation to houses, cars and condos? WOMEN ARE NOT PROPERTY.

also, most men aren't virgins so why should they feel entitled to a virgin wife? Pigs.

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[i]I sense misogyny here.

why are you comparing this situation to houses, cars and condos? WOMEN ARE NOT PROPERTY.

also, most men aren't virgins so why should they feel entitled to a virgin wife? Pigs.[/i]


Wow, misogny means hatred or dislike of women or girls.

[i]also, most men aren't virgins so why should they feel entitled to a virgin wife? [u]Pigs.[/u][/i]

Hmmm... :).

I don't hate or dislike woman. I am just very honest giving an answer as not only apply to man but to ladies as well. The title is virginity but I am stressing more on people finding an identity in insignificant things. So it applies to all. And yes, woman is not property but it is Man's identity or image that is created in their mind. What you are against Mebbe, is millions of years mind conditioning. Even if you are a mother, you will tell your sons to find a nice girl. Are you going to tell him she should not be virgin? :). You are definitely going to say find a nice girl that suit you best. Not only will you tell him to find a nice girl but you are going to tell him to be useful to society. You are going to tell him to capable to feed his wife and children. You are also pushing him to get a good degree or master or even better a PHD. All this tutelage is encouraging forming of [u]identity[/u].

Will any of you praise your child if he were to help another student carry their bag or being kind to another? No. It will most probably be forgotten for such a small but very important deed in your child's life. You should praise more of good deed that your child do in order to encourage him or her to be a better person. Having good grades means better life but doesn't make him or her a better person.

So girl and ladies, don't blame entirely on the man, for it is partly your tutelage that lead them to be like that in the first place as well. Be aware that mother's teaching is more powerful than a father since mother is more closely connected to the children.



So how important is virginity? Look at the news, men are willing to sacrifice themselves by strapping a bomb around their body for 12 virgins waiting for them in heaven. This is society. :)



Nevertheless, Jean1985, not all man is the same as I have said above. The truth is you do not need to seek them out but just continue to live your life [u]right[/u]. If a man calls you out becos you are pretty then that is very much about identity seeking. But if a man ask you to go out with him becos you are kind, gentle, polite, helpful and compassionate then he is the one.

Your body can only last maybe until 40 years of age before you aren't so pretty anymore. But your heart can last much longer than that. Do not use your beauty to attract but use your inner beauty to attract. However, inner beauty requires practice so don't just think or hear but [u]do it[/u].

If you are kind, gentle, polite, helpful and compassionate, heck not only will the right guy come along but everybody around you like you as well. Your virginity issue is buried by the overwhelming goodness in your heart.

Being all the above has its benefit, a right guy will come, you will have a better life since by being good you attract good things in your life, everybody will like you becos of such pureness from the heart and people will start to approach you without you even knowing where they come from but in a good way. 'Purity' is not virginity but the goodness from the heart. Trust me, I just changes a little and I am doing things I never imagine. Good things seems to happen when you are being pure and good as well.

Practice inner beauty by treating people around you nicely with pure intention. Simply to say, they are your target practice. :)

You change yourself not for man but for yourself. You are changing becos you want to have good things in your life.

"When a man live his life right, other will approach him for advice." This is always my encouragement to all, live your life right.

Peace be with you. Edited by greekgod

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Dear Mebbe,

I think you misunderstand between image or identity and property.

Image or identity is like a picture where a man is in the middle and then there is a beautiful car, a nice job, a condo and etc. Looks great too if a beautiful girlfriend or wife is in the picture. But what if the there is a smudge on the picture that he treasure so much? And that smudge is on his, lets say GF face. He will try to wipe it or clean it. If it doesn't come off then what? This is the picture of him that he has seen himself for many years and have tried so hard to make it perfect....


Imagine a japanese man who sees himself as a salaryman in the picture. All of the sudden, he lost his job. Then what? He don't see himself having a job in the picture anymore. So who is he now? Do you know how many japanese kill themselves becos of losing their job?

So what do you think he will do with that smudge?


Losing a property doesn't kill people. Losing your identity does.

Peace be with you.

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your reasoning is sound, but I don't think that gives men any excuse to impose a double standard. it is not okay for men to want a virgin wife when they can and feel entitled to sleep around. if a woman wants to sleep around, it is none of their business and not their place to judge.

I like your posts, greekgod, I just wanted to point out certain things. very well written :)

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Dear Mebbe,

Actually it doesn't only concern men but all of humanity. It is a very sad thing. My understanding for identity is sound and not my reasoning and I am not proud of it. My stand is we should not have a picture of ourselves. Having a picture of ourselves will eventually lead to all kinds of suffering and pain. "The Picture" is one of the main cause of pain and suffering for all humanity. That perfect picture is where all mankind strive for but sadly it is nothing but an illusion. It is not real but a creation of the mind. And strangely enough, "The Picture" is not drawn by the real you but it is drawn by another creation of the mind which is the ego.

So where are you? Who are you? :) If you manage to find yourself then you are one step closer to awakening.

Peace be with you. Edited by greekgod

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[quote name='greekgod' timestamp='1344820199' post='611808']
Dear Mebbe,

Actually it doesn't only concern men but all of humanity. It is a very sad thing. My understanding for identity is sound and not my reasoning and I am not proud of it. My stand is we should not have a picture of ourselves. Having a picture of ourselves will eventually lead to all kinds of suffering and pain. "The Picture" is one of the main cause of pain and suffering for all humanity. That perfect picture is where all mankind strive for but sadly it is nothing but an illusion. It is not real but a creation of the mind. And strangely enough, "The Picture" is not drawn by the real you but it is drawn by another creation of the mind which is the ego.

So where are you? Who are you? :) If you manage to find yourself then you are one step closer to awakening.

Peace be with you.
[/quote]
still does not excuse the double standard :)
men whose egos are dependent on the double standard are not men. I think the image that one should have of oneself should be what others perceive him to be.

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[i]still does not excuse the double standard :)
men whose egos are dependent on the double standard are not men. I think the image that one should have of oneself should be what others perceive him to be.[/i]

My dear, if you wish to point out that men is unfair towards girls and womens then you are in for a very hard fight for it can easily counter with another finger pointing.
If you were to point your finger at all men then you are also pointing at yourself for as I have said, man's upbringing is shared by mother as well.

So be aware that pointing your finger at another does not change the situation. You do not point at another to hope for a change but you should be the change.

Peace be with you.

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lol you're kidding me, right? you're saying that you want to blame your attitude on women because of mothers? I'm sorry, you're a @#$%ing adult so take responsibility for your own decisions on your attitude and personality.

I for one, am a fair person when it comes to both men and women. I am someone who thinks that it's bullshit that women automatically get custody of children purely because she's the mother even if the children request to live with the father. I think it's bullshit that women bitch and moan about wanting equal rights but then expect men to open doors for them, pay for meals and finance their shopping sprees.

so don't give me that shit about how women/mothers are the ones who make men think the way they do about other women. what whiny bitches men can be, if you really think that blaming mothers for their mindsets is the reason why they are what they are. Edited by mebbe

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:)

I am not the one who is pointing finger... :)
If I were to blame, I blame the entire human civilization since the starting of mankind... Please read properly below...

[i]If you were to point your finger at all men then you are also pointing at yourself for as I have said, man's upbringing is [u]shared[/u] by mother as well.[/i]

Upbringing is been [u]shared[/u]... Not done alone... :)
[u]If I were to point a finger at you, I will be pointing at myself as well[/u]... Man's upbringing is the result of both sexes which is Husband and Wife...
... I find that you are truly unstable and very edgy... Do you hate men? Or do you just hate me? :)

I do not blame anybody but [u]it is as it is[/u]... You can't [u]change the fact[/u] that this upbringing has been here for a long time and it cannot change over night... This is been every spiritual teachers fight... The fight against ego...

You went very offensive becos somewhere within you, you find it that my quote has tarnished your image as a women... Image that you have been seeing yourself of in you.... You feel you are perfect and are proud of being a women and so whenever someone was to cross or tarnished or even smudge it then you will burst...

What if I were to tell you that, that image is an illusion? Image is self limiting... Just becos you are a women you should do this... just becos you are women you should do that... Let me point it out to you, you are trap within the role of a women...

[i]I for one, am a fair person when it comes to both men and women. I am someone who thinks that it's bullshit that women automatically get custody of children purely because she's the mother even if the children request to live with the father. I think it's bullshit that women bitch and moan about wanting equal rights but then expect men to open doors for them, pay for meals and finance their shopping sprees.[/i]

"Bullshit"? You can see how much suffering you have been ditching out to other people... calling people bullshit is just trying to insult and lay low another so that [u]your ego[/u] or image rise above them.... I can imagine you are high above the sky.... so you are [u]trudging on others suffering[/u] so that you can be above others...

I would not condemn other of their helplessness nor ignore their plea if they needed help... Be kind and compassionate... Don't look down on another just to make yourself feel good and think you are above others.

Equal rights is something that [u]humanity should realise[/u] and eventhough women like you try and point out weaknesses of men,[u] just like you[/u], pointing out at weaknesses tarnished men's image and start an outburst or even violence.... Do you know how many women is dead just fighting for equal rights in America?

By pointing out weaknesses is asking for retaliation unless you were ask to... So be [u]very aware[/u] of what you wish to say...

[b]"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them at least don't hurt them." ~ Dalai Lama[/b]



By the way, I am not making excuse for man. I am a man so I used my own gender as an easy reference.
I did not even once say women is at fault entirely but [u]partly[/u]. So please read carefully before you start another round. :)

Never once do I say men is not at fault and are innocence victim of women. [b]No[/b]. If I were to say it then I am very much consumed by my own ego as well. It took me a few months to lower and control my ego and it even took me many years to realise the illusion or the fakeness of it. Don't get me wrong, I am still a long way to go, to actually be free of ego so [u]I am not above you[/u]. I am very much your equal.

Every individual has to be responsible for themselves like their behaviour, their thoughts, their action, and their feelings.
Blaming will not bring change but showing people how to change is bringing changes and you changing is also bringing changes to the situation.

Peace be with you. :) Edited by greekgod

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i tot love suppose to be the main criteria in a relationship?

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im a guy, and I dont take virginity as criteria in relationship. A lot of girls want to wait until marriage. My question is '..and then what?'

It doesnt guarantee your husband stays with you until the end. Divorce happens. Shit happens. Virginity is not a symbol of women's value, and it should not be. Those who became rape victim or 'made mistake' will feel inferior if they took virginity as value seriously.

In big city, decent guys look for a girl who can support from behind and be there for them, regardless of their past. Guys who question about virginity too much dont think in a wider aspect, and are traditional and biased.

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[quote name='Asrafen' timestamp='1351200745' post='614828']
im a guy, and I dont take virginity as criteria in relationship. A lot of girls want to wait until marriage. My question is '..and then what?'

It doesnt guarantee your husband stays with you until the end. Divorce happens. Shit happens. Virginity is not a symbol of women's value, and it should not be. Those who became rape victim or 'made mistake' will feel inferior if they took virginity as value seriously.

In big city, decent guys look for a girl who can support from behind and be there for them, regardless of their past. Guys who question about virginity too much dont think in a wider aspect, and are traditional and biased.
[/quote]

what you said is really true!!

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I agree with Asrafen...
But unfortunately for his statement...
Guys don't question about virginity... They just choose whoever they like... Many will choose virgin...

And why not? Great for guys ego... Great for his personality... And Great for his status in society.... :) Edited by greekgod

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