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annieloser

My heart is broken

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I am already a mother of two ,so you know,I’m not young anymore,but am I not so attractive as before?no more sexy?no more beauty?and recently we have more quarrels,we even fight over a trifle,all these things make me feel my husband loves me no more,my friend told me that I should wear more make-up,and sexy clothes to make him come around,she recommended me to buy this teddy lingerie,here is the picture [url="http://www.wholesale-orders.com/goods.php?id=11810"]http://www.wholesale-orders.com/goods.php?id=11810[/url]
But i think this dress is too exaggerating,this is just not my style,and what I do is not worthy ,I don’t think he will change his mind,and I will surely be old one day,what do you think? I know I still love him ,and I also don’t want my children have a broken family,What should I do?

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A mother of two doesn't mean anything at all unless you think that having two children is old then having three kids is very old and four kids means near death. So do not put a blame on having kids make you look not young anymore.

Wearing more make up and sexy clothes will not solve the situation. This kinda situation reminds me of a story from the Buddha.

"If a soiled and dirty (piece of) cloth is dipped by the fuller in any dye at all - blue, yellow, red or pink - it will be of bad and dirty colour. Why? Because the cloth is not clean.

"If a perfectly clean (piece of) cloth is dipped by the fuller in any dye at all - blue, yellow, red or pink - it will be of beautiful and clean colour. Why? Because the cloth is clean."

From the story above, I am not stating you are not clean but even though you clothes and cover yourself with make up and sexy clothing, the problem still remain... You might attract his attention for awhile but eventually it is only temporary solution.

Unless you are an actress with unlimited supply of make up and even Botox then all of us will eventually get old. We have to accept the fact that we will eventually get old soon but does it matter?

You say you are not so attractive from the start, so why did your husband still marries you? Unless your husband marries you for money then the obvious answer is he doesn't mind you being unattractive or he won't even bat his eyelid on you. So something within you has attracted him and that is not your looks. (Sorry but this is my opinion.)

Something within you has change for the worse and the entire marriage is in jeopardy.

The change can only start from within and not without. If you are asking why you need to change? It is becos you value your marriage and becos it is you who are asking. You have started to be aware of the situation and [u]only one person[/u] needed to change in order for the entire situation to change either for better or worse.

The first change is you are too negative about yourself. You probably don't even love yourself, and if you don't love yourself then who will?

The fight over triffle things, this may be triffle but this will break both of you up as well. So what really causes both of you to fight? Nonono... Don't look at him nor into the situation... Look into yourself and ask yourself why are you so agitated by such small matter? It takes two to begin a fight. So why are you so easily lure into one? Or why are you so easily able to start one?

Curb your feeling of insecurity and start to love your children more. You probably don't realised it but your children is the victim here. Your children has been feeling your resentment, insecurity, anger, sadness and drama that has arises within this marriage. They too will start to feel they are not worth it in this world. They will feel extremely sad, extremely unwanted, and extremely uncomfortable at home becos Home is not a place of love but is a battlefield for you and your husband.

Do you find love in the battlefield? No, there is only sadness, anguish, desperation to live and [u]the urge to harm one another[/u].

Do not even think your children are stupid, they know what is going on eventhough they are very young. They don't need to talk in order to feel pain. You and your husband is doing just that. Your home needs more love, Love is the driving force of uniting your family. Flood your love to your children first then eventually, your husband will come around if he sees the change in you. Oh yeah, flooding your children full of toys and sweets that they want is not love, being there for them is.

Peace be with you.

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[quote name='greekgod' timestamp='1343355507' post='610977']




You say you are not so attractive from the start, so why did your husband still marries you? Unless your husband marries you for money then the obvious answer is he doesn't mind you being unattractive or he won't even bat his eyelid on you. So something within you has attracted him and that is not your looks. (Sorry but this is my opinion.)

Something within you has change for the worse and the entire marriage is in jeopardy.

The change can only start from within and not without. If you are asking why you need to change? It is becos you value your marriage and becos it is you who are asking. You have started to be aware of the situation and [u]only one person[/u] needed to change in order for the entire situation to change either for better or worse.

The first change is you are too negative about yourself. You probably don't even love yourself, and if you don't love yourself then who will?

The fight over triffle things, this may be triffle but this will break both of you up as well. So what really causes both of you to fight? Nonono... Don't look at him nor into the situation... Look into yourself and ask yourself why are you so agitated by such small matter? It takes two to begin a fight. So why are you so easily lure into one? Or why are you so easily able to start one?

Curb your feeling of insecurity and start to love your children more. You probably don't realised it but your children is the victim here. Your children has been feeling your resentment, insecurity, anger, sadness and drama that has arises within this marriage. They too will start to feel they are not worth it in this world. They will feel extremely sad, extremely unwanted, and extremely uncomfortable at home becos Home is not a place of love but is a battlefield for you and your husband.

Do you find love in the battlefield? No, there is only sadness, anguish, desperation to live and [u]the urge to harm one another[/u].

Do not even think your children are stupid, they know what is going on eventhough they are very young. They don't need to talk in order to feel pain. You and your husband is doing just that. Your home needs more love, Love is the driving force of uniting your family. Flood your love to your children first then eventually, your husband will come around if he sees the change in you. Oh yeah, flooding your children full of toys and sweets that they want is not love, being there for them is.

Peace be with you.
[/quote]thanks for your story,i know i am wrong,maybe life have changed me a lot,i call up the past,i were not like that at that time. as for my children,i know i have bring them with harm,i just thought they are too young to understand everything,i am too selfish,i will surely take your advice,i should give my children more love and care instead of bringing them pains,thanks for your such a long reply,i really appreciate you.

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What you need is to change yourself and contribute a whole lot more to being with your children. Your children is a gold mine if shape properly but if left alone unwanted, they will turn into a time bomb.

Be aware that they are very sensitive to your emotion, which mean when anger arises in you, they can feel it without even asking you. You are their mother after all and you have a very strong connection to them as they are to you. So the best emotion you can show and give them is true genuine love. Genuine love is love that does not require a response or a reaction from them. A true love don't demand something back from another. You just give it with all your heart and trust that the your love itself is enough to support them or your husband to their daily life.

I once gave an advice that I never forget till this day.

Imagine that you are in a cave where there is staglatite above. Then in the cave there is a huge rock which stand tall and strong but a drop of water frequently drop on the rock. Over the years, it continue to drop and eventually the rock split into two becos of the drop of water. Water is a soft force and it represent love. Rock is a strong force which represent hatred, anger, violence, and ego. With a constant drop of love, eventually the "rock" will crack. Usually by now people will laugh at me saying they don't have time to wait that long. Yes, a drop of water seems long but what if the water wasn't restraint? What if a drop become an open pipe water or a river? :) Imagine that a rock were to crash against another rock, what will happen? It is either one rock is crush, or both is smash up which mean both party will have injury or casualties.

So right now, do you want to be another rock or the water?

Love is how the two of you got together and it is also love that will hold you two together as well as love will guide your children to a better path. Only love is that powerful so don't ever forget to love. Less fight and more love. Live a life of forgiveness.

Love is been held back becos many feel that loving others especially their husband make them feel very vulnerable, very uncool or becos this is what society do and so they hold it back to look more "manly". Don't ever hold back, show love especially to your children and don't be afraid to be hurt becos eventually eventhough your husband may try and hurt you, your children will be your salvation becos they can feel the enormous amount of love from you and will protect and care for you in the future.

Many people in Marriage always consider as no more I but we. No, there is no we but only I. So you have to work and practice a good lifestyle. With a good lifestyle of uncompromising love then you don't need respect nor crave for it.

You do not need to crave for attention and respect for it will be given to you if you were to live your life right.

[i]"When a man live his life right, eventually other will seek him out to ask for advice." [/i]

So all you have to do is live your life right and other will come in to support you.

Remember, don't let anyone lead you in your way of life, it is you who must lead your own way of life.

Peace be with you. :)

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[quote name='greekgod' timestamp='1343440863' post='611023']
What you need is to change yourself and contribute a whole lot more to being with your children. Your children is a gold mine if shape properly but if left alone unwanted, they will turn into a time bomb.

Be aware that they are very sensitive to your emotion, which mean when anger arises in you, they can feel it without even asking you. You are their mother after all and you have a very strong connection to them as they are to you. So the best emotion you can show and give them is true genuine love. Genuine love is love that does not require a response or a reaction from them. A true love don't demand something back from another. You just give it with all your heart and trust that the your love itself is enough to support them or your husband to their daily life.

I once gave an advice that I never forget till this day.

Imagine that you are in a cave where there is staglatite above. Then in the cave there is a huge rock which stand tall and strong but a drop of water frequently drop on the rock. Over the years, it continue to drop and eventually the rock split into two becos of the drop of water. Water is a soft force and it represent love. Rock is a strong force which represent hatred, anger, violence, and ego. With a constant drop of love, eventually the "rock" will crack. Usually by now people will laugh at me saying they don't have time to wait that long. Yes, a drop of water seems long but what if the water wasn't restraint? What if a drop become an open pipe water or a river? :) Imagine that a rock were to crash against another rock, what will happen? It is either one rock is crush, or both is smash up which mean both party will have injury or casualties.

So right now, do you want to be another rock or the water?

Love is how the two of you got together and it is also love that will hold you two together as well as love will guide your children to a better path. Only love is that powerful so don't ever forget to love. Less fight and more love. Live a life of forgiveness.

Love is been held back becos many feel that loving others especially their husband make them feel very vulnerable, very uncool or becos this is what society do and so they hold it back to look more "manly". Don't ever hold back, show love especially to your children and don't be afraid to be hurt becos eventually eventhough your husband may try and hurt you, your children will be your salvation becos they can feel the enormous amount of love from you and will protect and care for you in the future.

Many people in Marriage always consider as no more I but we. No, there is no we but only I. So you have to work and practice a good lifestyle. With a good lifestyle of uncompromising love then you don't need respect nor crave for it.

You do not need to crave for attention and respect for it will be given to you if you were to live your life right.

[i]"When a man live his life right, eventually other will seek him out to ask for advice." [/i]

So all you have to do is live your life right and other will come in to support you.

Remember, don't let anyone lead you in your way of life, it is you who must lead your own way of life.

Peace be with you. :)
[/quote]i like the last sentence,i will of course live my life in my way,not for others. i am really an irresponsible mother,i have already set up my mind to change myself,be a new self.

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[i]i like the last sentence,i will of course live my life in my way,not for others. i am really an irresponsible mother,i have already set up my mind to change myself,be a new self.[/i]

When you live a life of kindness, compassion, and loving then your life won't be that wrong. :) ... In fact, if you continue to pratice this lifestyle, I might even approach you for advice. :)

Don't beat yourself for not knowing your responsibility as a mother. It is not like all these is taught in school. Don't be influence by your past mistake and be aware of the Now. What do you need to do Now is how to improve and have your children enjoy your presence? That is all you have to do everyday from today. :) ... By living in the present then can your children forgive and let go of your mistake.

Peace be with you.

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[quote name='greekgod' timestamp='1343611490' post='611067']
Don't beat yourself for not knowing your responsibility as a mother. It is not like all these is taught in school. Don't be influence by your past mistake and be aware of the Now. What do you need to do Now is how to improve and have your children enjoy your presence? That is all you have to do everyday from today. :) ... By living in the present then can your children forgive and let go of your mistake.

Peace be with you.
[/quote]i know it is not taught in school,i just think i am born to be so immature to bring my children unhappiness,i know what you said i very right,but it is just sometimes i can't do that as you said,i will try to let go of the past,it is like a mess in my head,i think i need a psychologist.

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Well, I didn't meet a psychologist to tell you everything above.. :) .. I just need a spiritual teacher or two... :)
But before meeting spiritual teacher, I just needed two spiritual books...

Here is the link to those books... I share them for free... :)

http://www.mediafire.com/view/?8pj63ladkb73o7n

http://www.mediafire.com/view/?pzht7vmyov3r5hg

This two books that changes my life for the better... And no, I am not a teacher... I am a blooming student who is, like you trying to live a more meaningful life and a better person. :)

As I have said, changes begin from within and not without. When changes arises, it will make you a better person and those around you will benefit from it (Especially your children).

Peace be with you.

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[quote name='annieloser' timestamp='1341220975' post='609926']
I am already a mother of two ,so you know,I’m not young anymore,but am I not so attractive as before?no more sexy?no more beauty?and recently we have more quarrels,we even fight over a trifle,all these things make me feel my husband loves me no more,my friend told me that I should wear more make-up,and sexy clothes to make him come around,she recommended me to buy this teddy lingerie,here is the picture [url="http://www.wholesale-orders.com/goods.php?id=11810"]http://www.wholesale...ds.php?id=11810[/url]
But i think this dress is too exaggerating,this is just not my style,and what I do is not worthy ,I don’t think he will change his mind,and I will surely be old one day,what do you think? I know I still love him ,and I also don’t want my children have a broken family,What should I do?
[/quote]

[color=#ff00ff]I trust that you have already know what to do.Its just that u need some assurance or affirmation from others.Never self doubt.[/color]
[color=#ff00ff]And no even if a woman is way past her youth, she still can be attractive.Depends on your innerself (mentality) and also on your outer self(physical looks)[/color]

[color=#ff00ff]And yea, the first way for others to love you is that for you to start loving & treasure yourself first :redindian: [/color]

[color=#ff00ff]More over, have u actually tried to find some quiet time and try to talk with your husband?[/color]

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[quote name='greekgod' timestamp='1343617591' post='611093']
Well, I didn't meet a psychologist to tell you everything above.. :) .. I just need a spiritual teacher or two... :)
But before meeting spiritual teacher, I just needed two spiritual books...

Here is the link to those books... I share them for free... :)

[url="http://www.mediafire.com/view/?8pj63ladkb73o7n"]http://www.mediafire...8pj63ladkb73o7n[/url]

[url="http://www.mediafire.com/view/?pzht7vmyov3r5hg"]http://www.mediafire...pzht7vmyov3r5hg[/url]

This two books that changes my life for the better... And no, I am not a teacher... I am a blooming student who is, like you trying to live a more meaningful life and a better person. :)

As I have said, changes begin from within and not without. When changes arises, it will make you a better person and those around you will benefit from it (Especially your children).

Peace be with you.
[/quote]thanks for the two books you recommended,i will read them,hope it does work to me.well ,it is really unbelievable to know that you are still a student,you know life better than me does.

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[quote name='d3vil doll' timestamp='1343625559' post='611113']
[color=#ff00ff]I trust that you have already know what to do.Its just that u need some assurance or affirmation from others.Never self doubt.[/color]
[color=#ff00ff]And no even if a woman is way past her youth, she still can be attractive.Depends on your innerself (mentality) and also on your outer self(physical looks)[/color]

[color=#ff00ff]And yea, the first way for others to love you is that for you to start loving & treasure yourself first :redindian: [/color]

[color=#ff00ff]More over, have u actually tried to find some quiet time and try to talk with your husband?[/color]
[/quote]right,i know what is the right thing to do,but i just can't,i need support. i want to talk to my hubby,but he never seems want to listen to me.

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[i]thanks for the two books you recommended,i will read them,hope it does work to me.well ,it is really unbelievable to know that you are still a student,you know life better than me does.[/i]

Life is not about pain or suffering. It is about enjoying what is around you and given to you. That is life. However I am still a student at that and have yet to experience the full implication of that meaning.

However, what you are implying is not that I know more about life but more to [u]I know more of suffering and pain.[/u] :) ... I think I can get a master certification in suffering on myself and inflict suffering to others as well. LOL!!!

To inflict pain and suffering to yourself and others is not the right way of living. It is to enjoy the presence and support others is the way to harmony, joy and the right way of living.
This is my understanding thus far, but as I say, I am still a student so I might be wrong on the enjoyment thing. :)

Yes, in life we have to suffer to make ends meet but here is what my teacher once tell me, "When you look at the rose, just look at the flower and not the thorn."

When we suffer, we always gain something, so what did we gain, that is the one we should be looking at and not the suffering.

But apparently, our entire society love to look at the "thorn".

Ever heard of this phrase " It is not that I am afraid to introduce things to you. If it is good then no one will say anything but if it is bad, then I will hear no end of it."

You can see that our society love to see you suffer and also wants to contribute more suffering to you. :)

Your husband does not want to talk to you becos he is afraid you will inflict pain and suffering to him. So all you need to do is be [u]aware[/u] of his needs like cooking for him, taking care of his children, don't even try to attract his attention but don't completely ignore him either. Smile to him when he ask you something and don't answer more than you need to. [u]Enjoy yourself[/u] around the house and don't look at cleaning the house as chores. A clean house means a loving house for you and your kids. So clean the house to indirectly say to your family, "I love you." You must try to make your house a place where [u]you enjoy living in it [/u]and so indirectly make your kid love you more and enjoy being by your side. When you clean your house, don't nag at your family nor grumble at them but do not be afraid of your family either. Clean your house with the intention of loving them and not hurting them. Be nice to your kids as in treat them equally and explain to them why certain things need to be done and other should not. Try to avoid hitting them needlessly especially when you are angry and just want to vent it out.

[i]"If you want others to smile to you, then you must smile to others first."[/i]
So be nice to others first so that others will nice to you. A simple but important lesson especially to your kids and to you. :)

Those two books I share with you is all about you and no one else. I recommend you read the second book which is New Earth first. Very good and gentle reading. The first book is far more harder then the second. You can discuss with me if you want to understand something and remember, I do not see anyone as lower or higher than me but in equal footing. In other words, we are both students of life. :)

Peace be with you. Edited by greekgod

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[quote name='greekgod' timestamp='1343696917' post='611186']
[i]thanks for the two books you recommended,i will read them,hope it does work to me.well ,it is really unbelievable to know that you are still a student,you know life better than me does.[/i]

Life is not about pain or suffering. It is about enjoying what is around you and given to you. That is life. However I am still a student at that and have yet to experience the full implication of that meaning.

However, what you are implying is not that I know more about life but more to [u]I know more of suffering and pain.[/u] :) ... I think I can get a master certification in suffering on myself and inflict suffering to others as well. LOL!!!

To inflict pain and suffering to yourself and others is not the right way of living. It is to enjoy the presence and support others is the way to harmony, joy and the right way of living.
This is my understanding thus far, but as I say, I am still a student so I might be wrong on the enjoyment thing. :)

Yes, in life we have to suffer to make ends meet but here is what my teacher once tell me, "When you look at the rose, just look at the flower and not the thorn."

When we suffer, we always gain something, so what did we gain, that is the one we should be looking at and not the suffering.

But apparently, our entire society love to look at the "thorn".

Ever heard of this phrase " It is not that I am afraid to introduce things to you. If it is good then no one will say anything but if it is bad, then I will hear no end of it."

You can see that our society love to see you suffer and also wants to contribute more suffering to you. :)

Your husband does not want to talk to you becos he is afraid you will inflict pain and suffering to him. So all you need to do is be [u]aware[/u] of his needs like cooking for him, taking care of his children, don't even try to attract his attention but don't completely ignore him either. Smile to him when he ask you something and don't answer more than you need to. [u]Enjoy yourself[/u] around the house and don't look at cleaning the house as chores. A clean house means a loving house for you and your kids. So clean the house to indirectly say to your family, "I love you." You must try to make your house a place where [u]you enjoy living in it [/u]and so indirectly make your kid love you more and enjoy being by your side. When you clean your house, don't nag at your family nor grumble at them but do not be afraid of your family either. Clean your house with the intention of loving them and not hurting them. Be nice to your kids as in treat them equally and explain to them why certain things need to be done and other should not. Try to avoid hitting them needlessly especially when you are angry and just want to vent it out.

[i]"If you want others to smile to you, then you must smile to others first."[/i]
So be nice to others first so that others will nice to you. A simple but important lesson especially to your kids and to you. :)

Those two books I share with you is all about you and no one else. I recommend you read the second book which is New Earth first. Very good and gentle reading. The first book is far more harder then the second. You can discuss with me if you want to understand something and remember, I do not see anyone as lower or higher than me but in equal footing. In other words, we are both students of life. :)

Peace be with you.
[/quote]you really helped me a lot,ok, i will seek advice from you if i run across sth i can't understand while reading,yes,we are all students of life,we all need to learn what life teaches us.

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Here is something I like to share about children teaching.
I shared this advice in another forum and it is a reminder to me of the wise word Venerable Ji Xing shared with me. He is a monk by the way and I have ever since learn a lot from his wise words.

Here is something I was told by him about teaching your children... I will try my best to remember...

[i]"How do you teach your children?"[/i]

Mummy, Daddy take the best food and put on the children plate..
When the children cry, "Don't cry, daddy will buy you Ice cream."

No.... This is not the way to do this...
Children is your gold mine. If you teach your children right it is a gold mine. But if you teach them wrong....
Many parents didn't notice and so they let their maids take care of them. You are actually investing dangerously.

When you are at the dinner table.

"Son, look what daddy do. Daddy take the best and give it to Mummy, Granny and Grandpa before finally Daddy eat."

"Daughter, look what Mummy do. Mummy take the best and give it to Daddy, Granny and Grandpa before finally Mummy eat."

When you go out.

"Son, Daddy have bought everything that Daddy need to buy. What else do you need to buy? Nothing? How dare you? Your Mummy is cooking for you at home for you and taking care of you everyday. How could you not buy something for Mummy? You must not go home empty handed."
Mummy will definitely try and say no need to buy for her anything but how does mummy feel when her child give her a present for all the deeds she has done?

"Son, Mummy have bought everything that Mummy need to buy. What else do you need to buy? Nothing? How dare you? Your Father has to work day and night to provide our family food on the table. How could you not buy something for Daddy? You must not go home empty handed."
Daddy will smile and also try and and say no need to buy for him anything but how does daddy feel when his child give him a present for all the deeds he has done?


This is his wise teaching. Peace be with you.

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relationship is always complicated.most important is to comunicate,always be humble...With 2 children ,,,you are not old,you are making and feeling your self old,,,most probably you are at your mid 30s.Always remember men are always weak when comes to sex,so play your role, feed him up to the limit i'm sure he will be ok.

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Ditch him and find a bangla or other race since ur kinda macarena loose "catch my drift?"

He's prolly cheonging prossies or worst, found a PRC chick to compensate your sagging bum and hooters.

Your children will be ok, 10-15 years from now, KL will be like L.A...

children cant give a rats ass if their parents are divorced by then.

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