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Wes

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Anybody wish to share jokes, pls feel free to post it here.

Let me start with one lame joke.

Why is 8 afraid of 7?

B,coz seven ate nine.

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More jokes for my MB community....

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam(Age 2 was having trouble with one of her students.)

The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?" Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go to

the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I

have only two of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I

do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.

I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.

The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Edited by Wes

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MALAYSIAN ASTRONAUTS

American Spaceman is called Astronaut

Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut

Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut

Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut

Datuk Najib was thinking about sending somebody

into space. Three potential can-or-nauts were

called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay

and one Chinese.

Najib interviews the Indian first: "So,

Muthu, this is a dangerous mission.

How much do you think you should be paid?"

Muthu replied: "Ten million ringgit."

"Why so much?" asks Najib.

"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come

back!" replied Muthu.

"That's understandable," says Najib. "Thank you..

Please ask the Malay guy to come here,"

So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.

"Alamak!...20 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.

"Twenty million? That's twice as much! Even the aneh before you

asked for only ten million."

"You see, Datuk," explains Mat, "I have 4

wives and 15 children ... With 20 of us, it is a big

family to support when I am gone...!"

"I see," says D.Najib. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come then?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Najib asks, "Ah Chong,

given this is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"

Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "30 million."

Najib appears shocked. "What?!? 30 million!

Why so much?"

Ah Chong beckons Najib to come closer.

He quietly whispers into his ear,

"Datuk, you take 10 million, i take 10 million,

and then use the extra ten million, send that aneh to space lah!"

And...the Muthu was finally sent out to space.....

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Warning - These jokes might be offensive to some. Pls do not get offended.

THE ONE LINERS

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,

caring and good-looking ?

Because all those men already have boyfriends.

What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common ?

They were originally intended for children but it's the men

who play with them the most.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg ?

Because they won't stop to ask directions.

What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex ?

"Are you done ?"

What are the three words women hate to hear during sex ?

"Honey, I'm home!"

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife ?

45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband ?

45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman ?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man ?

$3.99 a minute.

What is the definition of "making love" ?

Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the

waist down ?

Married.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig ?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

How can you tell if your wife is dead ?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead ?

The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's the difference between men and pigs ?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples ?

They are Braille for "suck here".

What's a man's idea of foreplay?

Half an hour of begging.

What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're

having sex?

Call her up and tell her where you are.

Why do husbands die before their wives ?

They want to.

Why do women have tits ?

So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex ?

They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs ?

So they won't hump female legs at cocktail parties.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when

they go they take your house and car with them.

What's the difference between a woman having her

period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist

What's the difference between your wife and your job ?

After 5 years your job still sucks.

Why are men are like public toilets ?

The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

What's the best thing about a blow job ?

Ten minutes of silence.

What is the definition of the perfect woman ?

A deaf and dumb nympho whose father owns a pub.

What do you call a woman with no asshole ?

Divorced or single.

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and

a light bulb ?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

It changes their blood type.

What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning ?

She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?

Breasts don't have eyes.

How can you tell if your husband is sexually excited ?

He's breathing.

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms ?

Both capture the moment.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up

in the morning ?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are brides dressed in white ?

So they match the rest of the appliances.

What do you do with 365 used condoms ?

Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.

Why is pubic hair always curly ?

Otherwise it'll poke your eyes.

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have

sex with anyone but you.

Why is the penis so depress ?

His best friends are two nuts who live next to

an asshole.

What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?

A woman.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, with

a ten inch penis ?

Partially disabled.

What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant ?

Her legs.

What's the difference between worry and panic ?

About 28 days.

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Why do tampons have strings ?

So you can floss after eating.

What's the ultimate rejection ?

When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist during sex ?

She's not suppose to yell "Oh God, I'm ..."

How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups ?

Tell her she's pregnant.

How do you get a nun pregnant ?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

Why do women wear tampons when they skydive ?

So they don't whistle on the way down.

What is a man's worst nightmare ?

Dolly Parton bottle feeding him.

Which came first ? The chicken or the egg ?

Neither. Bill Clinton came first.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky ?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can smell it but they can't eat it.

How do you determine the sex of your (computer) mouse?

If there's a "pad" underneath, it's female.

What is the difference between a rectal thermometer

and a oral thermometer ?

The taste.

What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried

up to his neck in cement ?

Someone ran out of cement.

What will it take to reunite Nirvana ?

Two more bullets.

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze

pilots say to his students?

"Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once".

What's the difference between meeting Bill Clinton and the Pope ?

When you meet the Pope you only get down on one knee.

Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A ?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a

grocery bag ?

Both are made of plastic and dangerous for children to

play with.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie ?

"Honey, I Blew The Kids"

Why was Michael Jackson so excited when he first heard

about Boyz II Men?

He thought it was a home delivery service.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb ?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room

starts spinning.

Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?

Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Is it hard to spot the blind guy in a nudist colony ?

It's not hard.

How did the blind girl burned the side of her face ?

She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side ?

Same guy called back.

How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper ?

The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar ?

"May I push in your stool ?"

Did you hear about the gay security guard who got

fired from his job at the sperm bank ?

He got caught drinking on the job.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog ?

"It's true, we really do taste like chicken."

What do you give the blonde that has everything ?

Penicillin.

What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives

blondes crazy?

A hundred dollar bill.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs ?

Nice tits!

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common ?

They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy ?

The blonde has the higher sperm count.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

What do you do when an Irish throws a hand grenade at you ?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you do when an Irish throws a pin at you ?

Run like hell...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!

Why did the Irish ice factory close down ?

They lost the recipe.

Why did the group of Irish stare at the carton of

orange juice?

It said "concentrate".

Why don't cannibals eat Irish people ?

The last time they threw one in the cooking pot,

he ate all the potatoes.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?

They taste funny.

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

________________________________ ____________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

______________ ___________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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MAN LAWS

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" On Purpose!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls,

don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the

ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere in a hurry,

absolutely anything you wear is fine. REALLY!

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. :D:P:D

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The madam opened the brothel door in Hulery Wisconsin and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?'! She asked.

'I'd like to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, I must warn you Valerie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I insist I want to see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without batting an eye, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. And there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again, the man whipped out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that! He had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Who are you and where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' St Paul Minnesota'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in St Paul.' 'I know.' the man said. 'Your aunt Martha died, and I am her attorney.

She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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Two old friends - a Chinaman and a Malay were having a conversation recently ....

Freddy: Lu potong zaka ada bagut ka?

Ali: Manyak bagus. Bila lu potong haa, lu punya barang manyak bersih loo.

Freddy: ?!! err ... saya kawan ala cakap, potong zaka aaahh.... manyak ploblem..

Ali: Apa problem?

Freddy : Manyak buang lui, lagi aahh ... dia punya performance tadak bagut...

manyak cinang semputloh ...

Ali: Cehh... apek, lu apa cerita... saya suda lama potong. tada apa problem... bini saya manyak puas woo.

Freddy: Lu mini puas sama itu potong zaka ka?

Ali: Ya laa. Bila lu potong aahh... lagi sedap main woo. lu lagi lambat pancut..

Freddy: ???!!! err... lu punya 1.3 atau 1.5??

Ali: ??!! woi apek cakap baik2 sikit ha ... saya punya 6 inci laa.

Freddy: ??! Tiu nia ma... lu jangan main2 haa... mana ada potong zaka 6 inci.

Ali: Cilaka apek ni...nah tengok (opens his trousers)

Freddy: Chee sin punya olang.....gua tanya baik2 ... lu tunjuk lu punya lanchiau..

Ali: Abis... lu tada percaya..saya tunjuk la..

Freddy: Saya tadak tanya sama lu punya lanchiau. Saya tanya lu pasal itu nasional car... proton saga. bolo punya olang..

Ali: Aiya... apek... lain kali lu sebut betul2 la....kasi susa saja..

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Microsoft vs General Motor

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads .

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

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One-night four college students were playing until late night

and did not study for the test, which was schedule for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves

look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that

they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of

their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Therefore, the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3

days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day,

they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of two questions with the 100 Marks.

Q1. Your Name ......................... (2 MARKS)

Q2. Which tyre burst? ............... (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left

B) Front Right

c) Back Left

d) Back Right

Edited by stryker

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It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a

20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital to

give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying,

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've

got to keep that old motor running." The following year the young

bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing.

How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor

running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said,

"Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded,

"You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said,

"Well, you better change the Oil. This one's black!"

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An officer on board of a USS carrier noticed that there is a blinking light ahead of them similar to a ship that is heading right towards them. He quickly notified the captain about the situation. The captain, proud of his vessel started communication:

Captain: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Other end: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Captain: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Other end: No. I say again, YOU divert YOUR course.

Captain: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Other end: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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the origin of Allsalmualaikum and Mualikumsalam is not Middle Eastern, it's Hokkien

Why corruption in Malaysia will never be eradicated!

Because when officials meet, they remind one another:

Official A says: ''Wa salah Lu Mai Kong' (Allsalamualaikum)

in hokkien means : i wrong, u no tell

Official B replies: 'Wa Mai Kong Lu Salah' (Mualaikumsalam)

in hokkien means : i won tell, u r wrong

So now we know the origin of Allsalmualaikum and Mualikumsalam is not Middle Eastern, it's Hokkien.

Edited by G_D

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Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

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A transcript of a citizen reporting a UFO.

Control: "South Wales Police, what's your emergency?"

Caller: "It's not really. I just need to inform you that across the mountain there's a bright stationary object."

Control: "Right."

Caller: "If you've got a couple of minutes perhaps you could find out what it is? It's been there at least half an hour and it's still there."

That was a portion of the 999 call received by the police in Wales from a South Wales resident and when the police were dispatched to observe the "stationary object" that concerned the resident.

The police then called their control room to report their findings and that call went as follows:

Control: "Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?"

Officer: "Yes, it's the moon. Over."

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which

conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during

the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct

the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets

before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of

humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as

submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance

engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

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Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

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* HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning .

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

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How to withdraw money from atm :

MAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Wind window down

3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN

4) Retrieve cash

5) Drive away

WOMAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Open door (too far away from machine)

3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card

4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair

5) Insert Card

6) Remove card

7) Insert card the correct way up

8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it

9) Enter PIN

10) Enter correct PIN

11) Retrieve cash, put in bag

12) Drive off

13) Reverse back to machine

14) Retrieve card

15) Drive three miles away

16) Release hand-brake

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Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the

ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog

in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis

whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than

you. ' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a

mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:

This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

VVV

The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

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HOW FIGHT STARTS

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

**********************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

**********************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

**********************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

**********************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

**********************************

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

**********************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight is darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

**********************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started...

**********************************

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started...

**********************************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent b*b*es.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started...

**********************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started...

**********************************

My wife and I are watching ""Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

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