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One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA : Lamp

Miss Singapore : Light bulb

Miss Malaysia : LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA : Lion

Miss Singapore : Leopard

Miss Malaysia : LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"

Miss USA: Lexus

Miss Singapore : Lamborghini

Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce

Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA : Lemon

Miss Singapore : Lychee

Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA : Lung (applause)

Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)

Miss Malaysia : *LAN CIAU*

The Judges fainted..!!!

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Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

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Just some joke i get sumwhere.......

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?

A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?

A. 2lips on your organ.

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?

A. Dress her up as an alter boy

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?

A. A bloody waste of loveing time.

Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?

A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?

A. A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A. Gagged

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?

A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?

A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. Why did God create alcohol?

A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

A. Their shaky hands!

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?

A. Thanks for coming.

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?

A. The grip!

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?

A. Miracle whip.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?

A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde?

A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?

A. None It should be open when she brings it to you.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A. Whore's love everyone at the party, Bitches love everyone at the party except you.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

A. It works by changing your blood type!!

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?

A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?

A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?

A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...

A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?

A. About three inches.

Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?

A. A bandleader loves his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

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Husbands & Wives

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?”

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A son asked his Dad how much it costs to get married. His Dad replied: I don't know son, I'm still paying.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Anonymous

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The perfect husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello ?"



W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "

H - "Yes."

W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H -"What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $65,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...

H -"What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - " Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"




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Piece of advice while flying

After a month-long holiday in the US , my wife and I finally boarded
the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.

As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched
off, a 6-footer black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front
row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and
yelled, 'HIJACK!'

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen. Two
stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when
another voice answered from the back of the plane: 'HI JOHN!'

The moral of the story is:

If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever call him
in the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep shit!

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Nah here's a joke
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippyyy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy,
get away from her, before she shits on you!' tongue.gif

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