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feisty88

Allow second wife?

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dear all, no one wants 2 be the second one. it's a big no for me also.. i go against it!!

as for me, there's no reason at all for a guy to have 2/3/4 wives.. i'm not allowing that to happen at all!!!

i go against it since i was in college doing my diploma.. anyway i'm studying law, so there are many cases that i see on this matter when i'm doing my practical and of course me myself also dun want to be part of it.. but we can only hope that is not going 2 happen to us..

then suddenly things that before i was against it. i'm in that situation right now!!!! things are difficult i dun deny that!! to make it even worst is when all the family from the first wife gets into it! they hates me without knowing me! that hurts. i am trying my very best to get to know them. i even let the husband spend more time with the wife & his children. i meet him like 2 times every week and that is becos he picks me up after work then we do mkn2 he send me back then THAT"S ALL!!! i spend most of my time like a single lady.

i'm not saying i regret doing all this but i want 2 be appreciated 4 what i've done. obviouslly i cant have a normal family then at least sumthing. the first wife is sooooo irritating & annoying that sumtimes he didnt let him to see me at all.. she's controlling everything... her reason was she's afraid that i just want his money only not him. so what ever i wore or what ever i buy she will question him, where did i get the money 2 buy all my stuff, she thinks i take his money n spend unnessarly. GILA!!! sumtimes she really purposely make me sakit hati...but the truth is i'm not as bad as she thinks i am.. all this while she's been disturbing me but i just quiet bcos i dun wanna give pressure on my hubby.. my hubby is a great man, he knows how 2 handle both of us, is just that sumtimes the wife doing bad things towards me on his back n i didnt tell him anything. now things are even worst!!!! i didnt even get a chance 2 meet him..

then since it is so difficult, why don't you step out and start all over again? there are plenty of single great man out there. You might felt hurt from the acts of the first wife, her family, and a lot of other people. But don't you think that all of them are in pain as well? The first wife sure in pain of losing his husband's love, this kind of pain is deadly as she might feel she been compared and losed to another woman, and his husband's act of marrying the second wife is like telling the world "the first wife does not satisfy me and I need to get someone who can". This is denying the value and self esteem of the first wife. No matter how nasty she acts towards you, deep down in her heart she is still in pain of being denied and rejected. Do you expect someone who hurted so badly by you going to accept you? You will understand this when your hubby marry the 3rd wife, trust me, if he can hurt the first wife by marrying you, why can't he marry the third wife and hurt you? There are always someone prettier, younger and kinder out there. It's time to wake up.

sorry for being harsh, but I did suffered back in few years ago when my dad run away from home with another woman and put our whole family in disgrace. It was painful for all of us. Due to the stress my mum aged so much within such a short time. And we, as the kids felt shame and we have no idea about how to explain it to relatives and neighbours.

Please do not misunderstood "Love", it comes with responsibilities as well.

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Hey markonah. I am so sorry that you're stuck in this predicament. It obviously is very difficult to play second fiddle. I second what eden says. If you are depressed in this marriage, why should you stay on? As it is, you mentioned it yourself that most of the time you're living like a single lady because you hardly get to see your husband due to him always being with his first wife and children. Do you actually feel happy, contented or at all comfortable in this kind of situation? No, am not persuading you to get a divorce or anything like that but girl, you sound like you have serious problems there. First of all, the first wife is acting like a total bitch and completely trying to prevent your husband from ever being with you. Secondly, she seems to be doing a lot of things to you (as you said) but you are classy enough to keep it to yourself and not blurt it all out to your husband. Hell, if I were you, my husband would know every single detail of every single fight and I for one, would fight tooth and nail (if really loved my husband that much to keep him despite him having another wife!).

I just wonder how is it that you manage to keep all of these crap bottled up inside. You're emotionally draining yourself without even realizing it. I am telling you, as a Muslim myself, that eventhough polygamy is allowed in Islam, but it really is a sick practice to be frank. I am not trying to condemn the religion nor am I condemning your position or acceptance as a 2nd wife), but come on, let's all think straight for once. How can 2,3 or 4 women share one man? How would that ever work? Can 2,3, or 4 men share one woman?? Yeah, didnt think so. This kind of practice dates way back when the world was a more..hmm..."conducive" place for it to happen. But at this day and age and era? How can one person share his/her love and affection with a million others? What about bedroom antics? 2/3/4 women sharing one penis (albeit on separate occasions)? I dunno, I really cant fathom this whole concept. Apologies markonah, but those are just my 2 cents on the whole idea.

Anyway, back to my point..what I mean to say is that you sound utterly disappointed, depressed and unhappy in this marriage. So why bother staying on? Yes I understand that you love your husband very much and that he is a great man. But why settle for 2nd best when you can be the best? There are lots of other single men out there (young and old alike) who are dying to get married or just to be loved, so why waste your youth like this? But if you think that time may help you resolve this (be it with yourself, the 1st wife and family etc) then so be it. I seriously wish you all the best. I apologize if I came across harsh in this post.

Edited by Teff

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markonah, forgive me for being harsh in my words, just voice up what I felt as a victim.

I think you are a good lady, and you deserves a good husband who loves you and only you.

Wish you all the best.

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markonahsood, I'd like to ask a few questions..hope you dont mind answering them. How long have you been married with your husband? How did you get to know each other? And how old are the both of you by the way?

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I just wonder how is it that you manage to keep all of these crap bottled up inside. You're emotionally draining yourself without even realizing it. I am telling you, as a Muslim myself, that eventhough polygamy is allowed in Islam, but it really is a sick practice to be frank. I am not trying to condemn the religion nor am I condemning your position or acceptance as a 2nd wife), but come on, let's all think straight for once. How can 2,3 or 4 women share one man? How would that ever work? Can 2,3, or 4 men share one woman?? Yeah, didnt think so. This kind of practice dates way back when the world was a more..hmm..."conducive" place for it to happen. But at this day and age and era? How can one person share his/her love and affection with a million others? What about bedroom antics? 2/3/4 women sharing one penis (albeit on separate occasions)? I dunno, I really cant fathom this whole concept. Apologies markonah, but those are just my 2 cents on the whole idea.

Teff, that is a very effective example to illustrate the point you were trying to elaborate, you get full marks for that :lol:

As for markonah, it is important for you to acknowledge that you are in a situation which disallow you to lead a blissful life when there are more restrictions than blessings. To swallow the bitter boil does not help in growing a healthy relationship between your husband and yourself. This definitely doesn't work in a monogamy relationship, so it is pointless for your part too. Yes, sometimes there are things which are not within our control, but this absolutely is. You can decide how you want your life to be. Exercising your choices is like what you did, choose to keep mum about the whole incident without telling your husband. It was a choice you made and so you should know by now there are more that you can decide and choose to do. Things will get worse when there is a little one coming, and that is something I really hate to see in children or teenagers who come from broken family. Hope you would give this a serious thought and choose to lead the way you want to live your life.

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hi makonasod

i totally agree with eden...i think you should step out of that relationship....enough is enough...ur husband ,his first wife and even you..cant be happy can u.....how many night have u being sleeping without ur husband...how many occasions when u really need your husband....you didnt find his support....dont hurt yourself no more...might be some one else is waiting for you out there some where and by staying with this man....this is preventing you from your happiness and bright future ahead...trust me...even you were the first wife...would you allow some other woman to sleep with your man ...i dnt think so...am right...

well am from a religion which permit for a man to marry about four wifes....i love to death my religion but i cant share my husband.....i trust god and i dnt think i need to see that day...well i hope you do get my point out here.....do feel free to drop me ant message i will do wat so ever i can do....

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I think if other than religion issue, those husband need second wife either they not happy in the family or they too demanding. :)

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hmm.. its a strict no no to me. can a guy accepts second husband?

perhaps your religion allows man to marry 4 wives. but does that mean man must follow it? i can't share my hubby with anyone else!!

since you're now living in singlehood alike, i feel that you deserve a better guy.

take care

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second wife is a Big No for me =) I told my Bf straight to the face if he takes a second wife, I'll file for divorce immediately w/o thinking twice

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What if you hv 2 young kids and your #@$%!& husband is seeing another woman?

That's the biggest problem women face these days. They think because they have young kids means that they would have to stay in the marriage because if they were to seek for a divorce, the kids would have "no father". Maybe this is the perception that we'd have to change. There is nothing wrong with seeking for a divorce regardsless of whether there are kids involved or not if your husband treats you like a pile of crap. Yes mothers tend to think about their children more than they do about themselves, but hey, it's no excuse to live a miserable life and remain in a disastrous marriage (for life?). I've seen a lot of strong women, one of whom had 5 young kids at that time, seek for a divorce from her husband when she found out about his philandering ways. She finally managed to lead a happier life with another man soon after. It's not that the kids dont get to see their father anyway! Think of your happiness instead of trying hard to live up to the image of a "happy and perfect" family when in reality, it's nothing short of a hellhole. It's the 21st century and women arent slaves no more. Women arent so conservative anymore. And truth remains that women dont really need men to "complete" them.

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I do not understand why some women want to hurt other women. We women should stand together and fight off all evil...

Yes, the 'third party' might hv good 'reasons' to take other woman's husband, but do they know how much hurt they have caused to the wife and kids? They have ruined a family, a woman, and many innocent children. Imagine the hurt, the pain, the tears these 'third party' have caused...

I rest my case.

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hmm.. its a strict no no to me. can a guy accepts second husband?

perhaps your religion allows man to marry 4 wives. but does that mean man must follow it? i can't share my hubby with anyone else!!

since you're now living in singlehood alike, i feel that you deserve a better guy.

take care

wow...interesting discussion here with a lot of gurls voicing their opinions.

let me share something regarding muslim men whom are allowed to marry up to 4 wives. chapter 4 verse 3 from the quran:

"and if you fear you are not able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) woman of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear you are not able to deal justly (with them), then only one or that your right hands possess. that is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice"

as a muslim guy, what i understand from the verse above is that it imposed limitations to the number of wife that a man can have which is four. and like yinnie said, it is not sumthing that man needs to follow or do. and if a man decides to marry more than one, it is not the case of doing it 'ikut suka'. he must think carefully and know his ability whether he can be fair to all his wives in the matter of providing food, shelter, expenses, time, etc. if he has even the slightest doubts then it is better for him to just marry one. he also needs to reflect whether there is a strong need for him to marry a 2nd wife for example his 1st wife cannot bear him children. but as in any other religion unfortunately there will be ppl who exploits religion for their own benefits eg. using this verse as an excuse for them to marry more than one even tough they are not capable of being fair to all of them.

if you ask me i can't even think of marrying a 2nd wife after all the sacrifices that my wife has made throughout our marriage. she has always been there for me all these years. and i'm determined to keep it that way till the end. :)

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wow...interesting discussion here with a lot of gurls voicing their opinions.

let me share something regarding muslim men whom are allowed to marry up to 4 wives. chapter 4 verse 3 from the quran:

"and if you fear you are not able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) woman of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear you are not able to deal justly (with them), then only one or that your right hands possess. that is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice"

as a muslim guy, what i understand from the verse above is that it imposed limitations to the number of wife that a man can have which is four. and like yinnie said, it is not sumthing that man needs to follow or do. and if a man decides to marry more than one, it is not the case of doing it 'ikut suka'. he must think carefully and know his ability whether he can be fair to all his wives in the matter of providing food, shelter, expenses, time, etc. if he has even the slightest doubts then it is better for him to just marry one. he also needs to reflect whether there is a strong need for him to marry a 2nd wife for example his 1st wife cannot bear him children. but as in any other religion unfortunately there will be ppl who exploits religion for their own benefits eg. using this verse as an excuse for them to marry more than one even tough they are not capable of being fair to all of them.

if you ask me i can't even think of marrying a 2nd wife after all the sacrifices that my wife has made throughout our marriage. she has always been there for me all these years. and i'm determined to keep it that way till the end. :)

Good, good man indeed :)

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I have a friend who is experiencing such dilemma, not so much about him taking a second wife, but she suspects he has someone as their relationship has progressed from bad to nowhere. The word divorce did come into our discussion but I guess it is not that simple. One thing leads to another. She has a young baby and what she is worrying is what if her child blames her for not staying on in the marriage, like being a wimp to walk out instead of solving it, etc. On another hand, we did pre-empt situations like the child blames her for not filing a divorce and be a coward to stay put in a relationship that brings no happiness. So probably that speaks the reason why some stayed on in the marriage faithfully while the husbands take in second or more wives or mistresses.

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No way for 2nd wife...

I WILL ASK HIM BACK "WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO TAKE SECOND HUSBAND" see what he say....

Have to be fair to both parties...

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I do not understand why some women want to hurt other women. We women should stand together and fight off all evil...

Yes, the 'third party' might hv good 'reasons' to take other woman's husband, but do they know how much hurt they have caused to the wife and kids? They have ruined a family, a woman, and many innocent children. Imagine the hurt, the pain, the tears these 'third party' have caused...

I rest my case.

True. What comes around goes around.

But what if the kids / child said " I hate my mom. Dad, please marry another woman."

And the kids is only 8 years?

Not 1 or 2 time.

It always ..

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